I'm reverting back to paper and pen because it seems getting on line to blog is going to be difficult. Yet, I have so many thoughts to write about during the day. Not only do I regret not having anything recorded about the first nine months or so of Natalie's life, but I've felt many times over the last few days that writing would help me.

Today is our first day home and its been about as perfect as I could as for. William nursed a lot in the afternoon and now is passed his tarry stools and into yellow and seedy. It feels like my milk may be coming in and I've seen some leak and on his lips. I've been able to balance Natalie and William well because of his napping and Mike taking her shopping. The only time I felt bad was at bed time while I nursed in William's room and listed to Mike read to her and tuck her in. I really wished I should be in there because that time of day feels so loving to me. She didn't seem to mind that I said good night after her diaper and left with William. Hopefully, in the long run, we'll work out a way for me to get in a better goodnight.

I'm a little frustrated with William right now. Twice now he's acted like he needed to nurse, but then fell asleep without even latching on. It could be swaddling him, but we want him to stay asleep after the nursing is over. It was about 930 when he first did it and the possible long night ahead was getting to me. Mike went off to take a nap, and I would up dozing with William remaining on nursing pillow. So, I laid him on the bed next to me and I got about 30 minutes of sleep and all I had to do was put my hand on him every so often. When it looked like he was waking up to nurse, I got Mike and he took my place so I could pee without William getting all riled up. (Peeing takes a while as I have to pee and then do four steps to car for myself and I didn't want William to get too upset to nurse easily or unnecessarily chance him waking Natalie. Speaking of which, the last diaper I did I really thought he had a lot of poop, so I woke him up and it was just a smear. I should have waited for Mike and let William sleep, but instead William cried so loud I thought for sure he'd disturb Natalie, but I guess not. But when I got back from the bathroom, Mike and William were peacefully laying there together with no need for me to interrupt, so I found small things to do for about half an hour until William seemed to be waking up again. Not the case though. He's been swaddled on my lap for 20 minutes now after showing no interest in the breast. I'm feeling like swaddle is the cause because in the hospital, his first marathon session was when he was in just a short sleeve onesie. Its kind of stupid for me to sit here like this with him because I'll be forced to later and might regret it but its nice to be near him. I really enjoyed napping next to him and it really improved my mood. I've just been trying to enjoy all the good while its lasts, because I know it will be harder as he nights near on and when Mike returns to work and when Natalie begins to react more to William. (Thus far, she's shown lots of positive interest in him. Talking to him, showing him toys, telling him to watch the TV, kissing him, patting his head, buckling him into the car seat). But she has also had major break down over her kitchen chair. It broke yesterday when she was with m parents and she refused to sit in it anymore even though it was still useable. So, Mike went home early to help out with dinner last night ending with her eating in the living room. Breakfast as eaten in Pa's lap. Lunch on a regular chair with no fuss. Then Mike and Natalie bought a new chair and she hated it once he put it in place. Screamed at dinner and almost threw her whole plate on the floor. She wouldn't sit on a regular chair either. Feeling bad about her going all night without dinner, we let her eat on my lap later, and she ate her dessert on the chair alone. As much as we don't want want it, we might have to just let her eat that way from here on out.

Possible solution: nurse William, then swaddle him because he seems to have fall asleep once swaddled. Natalie on the other hand needed to nurse to sleep or be walked in the sling. Swaddling was not enough. Looking forward to trying the sling out, but not sure I'm ready to walk enough to use it. leaving and coming home this morning really wore me out. But after lots of time stuck sitting as I nursed William in the afternoon, I felt much better. So much less pain this time around too. I took almost no medicine today.

Mike's mood has been rough. He's feeling his cold comign back and is stressed about making everything work. I feel pretty horrible bout it but I can't do much to make him feel better. Since my spirits are high and I feel good, I've been trying to have him do as little as possible, too. Sometimes, I feel he needs to let go of more things, but that wasn't the case today really. i did feel bad that he did so much and I really just nursed. (Though, in some cultures that is all a new mother is expected to do...) I thought for sure the night would make up for it, but not really and its almost midnight. I'll write a bit longer then move William and nap myself. When he wakes, I'll do his diaper, nurse (I hope), and then reswaddle and hope he goes back to sleep.

One of the big things I've been thinking about is caring for both kids. Last night while still in the hospital, it was hard to focus on Natalie (expect when I heard how upset she was over her chair and dinner. That was rough that I couldn't go to her). Often, I feel like William is Natalie because the nursing experience is so similar in how it feels physically. The pinching, manoeuvrings the baby. Even the poop smell brings me back to her. But when I look at him, I know its William. And he is different than her and our parenting has been different. with Natalie, we nursed and changed diapers very regularly, but not with William. Its really been his schedule so far. I've also really just expected to hold him lots unlike with Natalie when I didn't know any better. They look a lot a like as newborns though. Both chubby cheeks. Both rather red complexion. Brown hair about the same length and sticking down similar. Lots of faces and gestures that are probably just characteristic of all newborns. I love seeing William smirk in his sleep! Its such a nice preview of his real smile to come. I think he will not have a dimple like Natalie, but I think its too small a smile to tell yet.

When Natalie come home, I remember feeling baby blues. I had a strong feeling that things would get rough at any moment. Its such a strong contrast to this time. Maybe its partly because labor seemed so easy in comparison. A lot of it is probably experience (though these circumcised diaper changes are driving us a bit mad). Thinking about tomorrow and the week and weeks ahead, I really hope that we continue even close to this well. William is only three days old and we were still in the hospital with Natalie at this time. I hasn't even done a diaper yet! He is so young that I feel anything we've learned about him is not yet cemented in place. and, lots of problems don't start this early. At least nursing is going pretty well. I was being hard on myself at first when I had trouble getting him in position and latching, but really it was all the same sort of problems with Natalie. I am surprised how sore I am when he appears to latch well. Very disappointed we have to wait until Friday to see the LC (which is also our wright check day, which is redundant). I wish it were sooner because that's a lot of nursing and a long time to wait to know if he's eating alright.

I really like being in William's room. Something about it gives me a sense of him whereas Natalie's room always seemed a little like a cave. Like I stayed in there so much in the beginning and emerged from a hibernation after several weeks.

I hope that tonight continues on well. Something about morning always makes me feel better. Last night from 3 - 6 felt long. I held William a lot last night overall, but that last hour as I held him and watched it slowly getting lighter and the minutes tick so slowly past was rough. Once it was day, though, it was better. I have only 6 hours til then. I'm feeling optimistic now. I do hope that the down feeling I got tonight doens't come every evening. I got tired. If it does, maybe we'll be able to work something out like tonight. At the same time, I do still want to do things I used to during at least the evening. Mostly, spend time with Mike. Tonight the option of me nursing and holding William while we watched a movie wasn't even on the table. Instead, he called his mom and then I read the boys a chapter in Pooh. (That's another thing I want to work in for William. Reading aloud just for him while still getting to read some myself!).

Alright time to attempt moving William and see if he stays asleep next to me to give my legs a break and maybe get a little sleep. Pretty sure my breasts are starting to ache a little from milk. (Let's hope not just from sore nipples!), so I really need him to eat, too. Last item I was feeling worried about jaundice this afternoon, but the breastfeeding poops and how my now my milk make me feel better. But its another reason I wish Friday's appointments were sooner.

Later ...
Thinking of differences between time I will have with William and Natalie. Had all day with Natalie. When she was awake, I danced her to Beatles and ABBA songs. I read her so many books. Let her take long naps on me. Talked to her about everything. Makes me sad William won't get this, but he will get new experiences of being with Natalie and I. Also a little sad that William will slow Natalie down and she'll have to learn patience to some degree. Stiffing her creativite play? But one thing makes me happy is the idea of nurturing both with food from my body.

Later...
Come 3 o'clock in the morning, its hard to remember William is William and not Natalie. He's so adorable all swaddled up with his eyes closed so contently. So beautiful and peaceful. its the face I want to take picture after picture of whenever I see it, then we have all these similar looking pictures, but in the moment its hard to resist. They each seem more perfect and this picture worthy every time.