Rough day around here. Mike has a cold. William has a cold and might be cutting his front teeth. He is also now getting up on his knees and rocking, so mobility continues to be frusrating for him. I thought I was over my cold, then all the sudden this afternoon my sore troat just reappears. My sholders, arms and a couple places on my back are also sore since I volenteered to shovel the driveway yesterday since Mike has a cold. I haven't shoveled snow in about three years, if not four.

Because of his cold or teeth or something, William continues to have sleeping problems. Last night he was up several times including a stretch in the bed where he head butted me in the eye. Tonight he has already had trouble several times and I gave up for the night a few minutes to 9. I just want to go to sleep. I didn't sleep well last night, feel I'm getting sick again, and know Mike is going to be working late tomorrow. (Add to everything that work is stressing Mike out. He usually has too little work, but its piling up right now).

But the real straw that breaks the camel's back is Natalie. We took her to the doctor on Friday after a full week of noticing more and more ways she isn't like other two year olds. The doctor agreed that Natalie's knees didn't look right and that her morning shuffling was concerning. So tomorrow we are going to get an appointment with an orthepedic doctor for some time in the next couple weeks. So, this appoitment was slightly validating, but didn't answer any real questions or do anything to help Natalie.

Today, we had a play date with a neighbor. Her little girl has always had excellent motor skills. She is about 3 months younger than Natalie but learned to crawl and walk at thw same time. Anyway, being a weekend it was the first time Mike has been around for one of these play dates. He got to see how the way our little neoghbor moves is so different from how Natalie moves. She runs, climbs, jumps, and bends down with such ease and fluidity. Natalie is so gaurded and slow. Also, our little neighbor also appeared to have better control of her hands, pulling small pieces on toys that Natalie doesn't seem to be able to do. It was very upsetting for Mike. It was pretty upsetting for me too, even though I've been seeing it more and more over the last week or so.

I feel bad that we though some of this behavior was regression or attention seeking. Right now it doesn't seem that way at all.

I just get so sad when I think of the things Natalie could do before, but not anymore. She could climb stairs with a railing and no help back in sept. She could climb up on the bed in William's bed with now help. she could bend in half and look between her legs. She could sit down easily for a diaper change. She sometimes cries when we walk places while l'm pushing the stroller. Thinking of it now, I think its because I'm walking too fast for her. Sometimes I think this loss of skills is my fault for not offering her the oppertunity to practice anymore, but when it is combines with how she moves so stiffly, I don't think it is lack of practice. I wish we were more active with her, but what am I supposed to do in the middle of the winter with a baby too? What if all of this is because we aren't parenting her well? Not giving her enough oppertunity to excerise or not giving her what her body needs? I feel horrible at these thoughts and tey to dismiss them knowing we are doing the best we can at the moment, but them also know we could do better. I feel like the onset of these symptoms and the beginning of winter have coinsided making it hard to know if the reduction in activity is a factor. Or is even cyclic? Her neck caused her to stop moving as much which led to more of the same later?

We just can't wait for some answers. Natalie's spirts are far better than when all this started 4 months ago, but it is still so sad to see her not living up to her potential and in pain. To hear her say she can't do something.

And I really would love to sleep laying down for a few hours with no one crying to waking me up.