Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Having a rough mom day. William had two night's of great sleep, then was back to five wakings and sleeping in bed with me. Add to that he woke up as soon as I moved him at afternoon nap and Natalie woke up early. (As a side note, finding Natalie is needing less of a nap now that she is feeling better). Just got me so mad at them. Its been 8 months. It would be nice to have a little predictable time without children every day.

But I'm feeling like a bad mom to William. When Natalie is awake she demands so much more attention through her talking. When she naps, I find it hard to sit and play with him because he is so active. If I get down on the floor with him all he does is attack me clawing and pinching as he tries to climb up and over me. Reading him a book is quite hard. Dressing him is a huge frustration. but, he is content to play alone now. He wanders all over the living room getting in to various toys (play food and balls are his favorites right now, though he spent a lot of timw with the little people today). He's happy and I am watching him, but I feel I'm not giving him the attention Natalie got. Couple that with the fact that he makes me angry with him far more than she did, and I feel like a bad mom. When he won't eat or sleep or let me change him because he wants to go go go, its frustrating. And I can only take getting hit in the face or pinched for so long. And, William gets in more trouble because he bothers Natalie. I just feel like I get to the end of the day and can't remember my moments with William. I'm also much rougher with him than I was Natalie. I think part of it is that he is much more active and strong and I thus need to counteract that. I need him to roll over and get poop every where, so I have to hold him down harder. But I also throw him around a bit when he just won't coooperate. Like when he just keeps coming at Natalie as I try to change her and I have to keep moving him back.

Only good thing is that when I told Mike about this, he said he thinks I'm doing a great job, especailly with everything going on. Our home visitor has gotten premission to see us more during thr next few months until we finish her services, and I guess this is why. Most of the time I feel I've just accepted the changes from Natalie's JRA, but if nothing else having to make and go to all these appointments is effecting us. I swear William had a bad day because he didn't get to nap because we were at the eye doctor for Natalie.

I'm writing as William sleeps in my lap. He woke up at 930. Tonight looks to be another long one. I think its the fact that we seemed so close to returning to normal. I got to sleep in my real bed with Mike after 8 months. William seemed to be putting himself back to sleep some and be comforted by his blanket. Then we are right back at the start.

I know I should get up and move him into his crib, but I know if I do that he might wake up screaming and have to start over again. When he is like that, Mike can't sooth him back to sleep so the choices are to cry, sit with him in our nursing position, or lay with him in the bed.

Alright, going to bite the bullet and move him and try not to get furious if he wakes up refusing to lay alone.

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