Monday, August 8, 2011

Some of this may be repetitive, but I'm going to say it anyway.

Things about pregnancy that I can't wait to be over:
  • heartburn
  • irregular BM
  • sciatic nerve pain, especially when trying to sit on the toilet
  • having to get up to pee twice a night (which actually I'm not complaining that much about because twice is less than I'll be doing nursing at first).
  • every stranger I talk to about the pregnancy saying I'm carrying small
  • William's hiccups when I'm trying to relax. They are like a faint poking. Its a tickly, twitchy feeling you can do nothing about.
  • Having to switch the side I'm laying on due to rib pain or hip pain
  • the extra effort it takes to get in and out of the car
  • clothes that don't fit properly, especially the newest phenomenon of my bra band rubbing irritatingly since it has no flat area to lay on

Its pretty crazy to think that William is due to arrive in 24 days. I'm still in a strange place thinking about this. In some ways, I want him to be born now, just to get the waiting over with and to move on to what we've planned and thought to so much about. But then I also don't want him to be earlier than is healthy, and I don't want to miss out on my time with Natalie or rush into her total world upheval (is this being dramatic? Sometimes I think so, other times, I don't).

I've definitely thought less about William during this pregnancy than I did Natalie during hers. I relished in her movements more, talked to her, sat in her room once it was already. I think part of this is because I didn't have other distractions, but I also think part of it is that this time around I know that no amount of wondering and day dreaming will prepare me for what he is going to look like or what his personality and behaviors will be like. I'm willing to wait to meet him with as few preconceived notions about who he will be as possible. But yet I'm not dying for the day to arrive and overwhelmed with excitement. I think that is because there is still so much to get through before actually holding him in my arms. Labor is memorable, but not really special.

And there are so many unknowns about how and when it will happen. Will it be early or late? Will Mike be home? Will plans to get Natalie cared for run smoothly? Will the labor move more quickly? Will it move so quickly that my parents won't have time to get here? Will my actual doctor be present this time? How long will I have to labor while watching Natalie? How long will I wait before I feel comfortable alerting everyone that something is happening?

Then there are the little mistakes we made last time I don't want repeated. Wanting to hold William immediately and letting him crawl up to nurse. Wanting to hold him more often in general, letting him sleep on me. Worries about a repeat of jaundice and having to use bottles and pacifiers again when I really don't want to.

I'm most excited and anxious to get to know William. To at first just see him. How much will he look like Natalie? Of course, even those early weeks are so misleading because his eye and hair color can change. And with Natalie, she seemed like she had chubby checks when she was born, but that was nothing compared to two months later. Will William be like that, too? Or will he be one of these tiny little babies I see? Of course, no matter what, he's going to seem so small compared to huge toddler Natalie. That's one thing I'm happy about - that after carrying her around, an 8 lb baby (give or take) will seem so light.

I'm also anxious to find out how our new sling will work. I'm hoping it will be awesome. I originally, I just thought about using it to nurse will at play group or the library. But now, I'm wondering if it would be easier to put William into the sling from the car seat, thus not needing to deal with a stroller until we get into the really cold weather. (So not looking forward to pushing a stroller over slushy side walks again). With Natalie, we used the sling a lot in the evening to get her to fall asleep. I used it quite a bit to rock her to sleep after middle of the night nursing. Will this sling work for that, too? Will he wake up when I take him out? Or should I just let him sleep with me after nursing? In some ways, I feel like co-sleeping at first would work well for everyone, but I really don't want to break the habit later. But, I did used to let Natalie nap on me for several hours every afternoon. I don't think I'll be able to let William do that unless its in a sling so I can get up and down to care for Natalie. Maybe letting him sleep with me at night would make up for that. Mike is against it because he thinks its way too dangerous, but I think he forgets that we did co sleep a lot for the first two weeks or so with Natalie.

In general, its hard to believe that in just a few weeks everything around here is going to change. I try to picture how life will be with these new changes, but I have to stop myself. I can't foresee how good or bad it will be. Sometimes I think about reading while nursing William as Natalie plays with her toys. Other times I think of being so tired from waking up every few hours that I can barely function and barely have time to myself to shower. It could be both at the same time. Its hard not to think about, but its really futile and maddening. I think a big part of the disbelief is the inability to know what to imagine.

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