Could be just the hormones...

It could be just the hormones, but there have been a lot of ups and down over the last few days.

First of all, on Monday, we went for our second ultrasound. The whole thing went more smoothly than the first, even though I had a painfully full bladder and was made to wait, then told they were doing another internal. The tech immediately showed us the heartbeat! That was great because with Natalie's first ultrasound, we had to wait. He said the he likes to show good news right away if he can. We couldn't see much, but the tech could tell what was the head and such. Its so amazing how three more weeks to ten weeks, when we had Natalie's dating ultrasound, makes so much difference in the appearance of the baby. We got a couple of pictures, but they aren't recognizable.

We decided that it was time to share the news, so Mike emailed his work and I posted a picture of the pregnancy test on FB. The news will be slowly broken to all my in person acquaintances from story time and play group and such. I want to share the news with people, but it seems silly to just bring it up.

My sense of time is all messed up. Mike came home early on Monday for the ultrasound, then worked from home yesterday because of snow, so its hard for me to tell what day of the week it is anymore. Yesterday, I brought Natalie out in the snow to play successfully, including boots, snowpants, and mittens. She mostly wanted to play with daddy (more on that later). That afternoon, we went to the mall because she had been stuck in the house for three days, aside from the 45 minute trip to the ultrasound where she had to stay in the stroller. I let her walk around and all she wanted to do was go up and down the ramps. I fed her lunch there, and she peed all over everything when I went to do her diaper before leaving. This evening, our home visitor comes.

But bigger news would be that this weekend we might leave Natalie with the baby sitter for just under three hours to go see a movie. We are both nervous about how Natalie will handle it. The babysitter came last weekend for a couple of hours to get to know Natalie and our house, but more so for Natalie to get to know her. I went out for a hair cut and was gone about an hour. Meanwhile, Mike left the room for about half an hour. Natalie did just fine, and Mike said that the babysitter did great interacting with her. In many ways, I feel like we should be okay. Even if things go poorly, I don't think Natalie would actually cry the whole time. And, if I can leave her in the living room with the TV on for 15 minutes to clear snow off the car without her even noticing, then I would think the baby sitter could put the TV on as well for some solace. We'll see what happens. We mentioned her coming again last weekend, but I've been waiting for the new movie times before I call her. The placement of the movie times right now isn't ideal, either.

Natalie is definitely missing her daddy more. For example, we will finish reading a book, and then she says, "dada," and looks for him to read it to her, too. Sometimes she just says his name. While some of these times it seems she is confused about what to call each of us, because she says dada but is not looking at him, most times she wants him. It makes me sad to see her missing him. But what is also making me sad is that she is wanting him more when we are both around. The worst is bed time. She has started going to him to carry her to bed or will only give him kisses. That really bummed me out last night. She wouldn't even let me kiss her cheek, but couldn't get enough of giving daddy hand kisses. I know its normal for her affections to change, especially since we no longer nurse and we balance her care more now when he's home, but its still sad. It makes me feel bad about how Mike must have felt before, yet I think this is worse. Its one thing to have never gotten the attention, but another to have had it for a year, then have it suddenly gone. I know she still loves me, but I think she gets tired of me and wants to play with him instead. Sometimes I wonder if it is simply that I'm always around, so she doesn't feel any need to really express her love for me. He also makes her laugh so much more than I do, which makes me feel a little like a bad mom, like I don't make her happy enough. I'm trying to make an effort to interact with her more while she is playing, but its hard to follow the train of thought of a one year old, and its hard to do that all day every day. Sometimes I just want to sit on a chair and not the floor, or want to do something for me before its nap time or when Mike gets home. Its hard to find a balance between giving her space to play and explore on her own (which I know she needs, especailly with a second baby on the way), and playing with her and sometimes directing the play myself.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy for wanting two kids. Natalie can drive me so crazy at times now (like crying over having to wear her mittens in the car on the way to playgroup), or I feel like I can't give her enough attention already. Balancing two seems very hard, especially with the lack of sleep the first several months at least. I sometimes wonder how I'll even make it through the end of the pregnancy. Not only will I be uncomfortable and tired, but I feel like I won't be able to care for her as well in general. Picking up an almost two year old while nine months pregnancy doesn't sound easy; I'm not even sure its medically advisable. Holding her her close in my lap, putting her down into her crib (before we switch to the bed), helping with her bath - these all seem like potentially difficult things to do physically. I always felt I was pretty agile and speedy when I was pregnant before, but I'm not sure that will be enough this time around. I'm afraid that if now I feel like I don't do enough for her, that she'll be upset with me later when I really can't do as much at all, both physically when I'm pregnant, and then later time wise when caring for the new baby. Although, I do have some visions of nursing the new baby will sitting on the floor as Natalie plays, or her snuggling up to me for me to read to her as I nurse. Time will tell if these are crazy daydreams or not.